Tidbits
The following are many wonderful tidbits I receive from families and caregivers. If you have found a "nugget" please email me and I will pass it on. Thank you to all who spread the joy!
My granddaughter Brieanna, who is 8, came to work with me one day. Bertie, one of our residents with dementia, was there with her 2 “babies” in the stroller, just beaming. I commented to her, “Oh Bertie your babies are getting so big.” Brieanna looked at me like I was crazy. But the next day and days to come Brieanna visited Bertie and other residents with ease. When I made it no big deal, so did she.
Staff Moments
Families need validation! A method when families are struggling with various issues. I simply say, “I just love (residents name) where they are. I’m not mourning who they were.” Then hug or pat the family member.
Mary Walton
A resident, who had an overbearing older sister, would get so upset at the way her sister talked to her. I told her about my older sister who is just like that. From then on, when her sister was mean, she’d look at me and say, “You know, you understand, don’t you.” A hug always made it better.
Judy Hill
I believe that staff respond better to residents who look better. For example their hair neat, light makeup, shaved and clean faces, brushed teeth and clean hands. When they look good, feel good, everyone has a better day.
Carol Straka
If the person with Alzheimer’s doesn’t think they are sick but sees your scrubs (nurses uniform) and thinks you are here to take care of them, simply apologize and say you just came from work and didn’t have time to change.
Habits of a lifetime
I have a gentleman who is difficult to get out of bed in the morning, but when I found out he was a farmer I simply mooed like a cow. It worked!
Patience Russell
Osceola, Wisconsin
I want to go home
When a person wants to go home, ask them if they would please stay and keep you company.
Bonnie N.
Osceola, Wisconsin
honey, dearie, sweetie
Address a male resident as “Sir”. It shows respect.
Bonnie N.
Osceola, Wisconsin
There was a lady crying and crying about hurting a child. This event happened in her past and she was grieving like it was yesterday. A very smart caregiver said, “You are forgiven. You are forgiven.”
Don’t try to convert or “Save” them, simply pray with them.
Jolene
I had a resident that overheard me talking about a car I had that was coughing and sputtering and my mechanic couldn’t figure out the problem. My resident told me, “Boil the cab and put new floats in. That will fix it.” I told my mechanic and he looked at me like I was stupid. He did it and it fixed it. You can learn from anyone if you just listen.
Terry Craig
Back in the early 80’s, when I was a policeman, we kept getting calls from a man who was physically handicapped from either being in WW2 or the Korean War. He called the police dept. several times saying he wanted to commit suicide. He called the police dept. so much police officers got tired of responding, so they sent me.
History: He had a daughter who never saw him and she was to inherit his money. He had depression but wouldn’t get help except from the alcohol bottle and calling the police.
When police officers saw him they would be there a long time and just listen. It was a temporary, short lived fix. Then one day I was called to go up and see him. I figured out what he needed because he used a lot of very coarse language. So I listened, then said, “That’s right you old bastard. Your daughter doesn’t see you because your such a big asshole, you son of a *#!. Who wants to visit a shit like you.” His eyes then brightened up and he smiled real big. We continued on like this changing subjects and used coarse language. I told him I had to leave because of the dirty “@*!’s” I work for didn’t want me to stay long with an “*@~!” like him. He told me he really enjoyed our talk and wanted me to come back when I could.
About 1 and a half weeks later he committed suicide on my day off. I felt he was at peace though and I know I was going to miss him more than his daughter did.
Jesse Arenas
Stop correcting them and simply meet them right where they are.
Jolene
“You can create a whole other world with simply the space between you and them.”
Caregiver
Jolene,
I just read your wonderful book yesterday. Creating Moments of Joy, I even love the title. I wish I had know of it when mom was increasingly under the influence of dementia. But, to give myself credit, I did pretty good!
I listened to her cues…she was funny, her particular like of sarcastic wit in evidence to the end. She had asked me if I’d seen someone lately. It occurred to me that everyone she asked about was dead. For awhile it had seemed okay to say, oh they had died, and she would then “remember”. I had hesitated this time, it was just too hard to keep telling about the dead. But my mind wasn’t working fast enough for her. She gave her piercing look and said, “I suppose you’re going to tell me she’s dead too.” I realized I’d reached a crossroads of some kind and from then on I went with her where ever she went. No more listing of the dead.
A friend and I often said to each other, isn’t it fascinating, the people she inquires about, the place she “goes”, the things she was to talk about? I learned fascinating things about mom during those years. Things about her being a girl, and about her girl friend Mary, that I maybe wouldn’t have learned any other way.
The hardest part was the first time she looked at me and asked, “Where’s Karen?” I’m Karen. “No, not you Karen, that other one who’s here all the time. That one who knows everything.” Emphasis on knows as only she could give. Aha. I thought I was being so gentle with my “suggestions”, my “ideas”. She never missed a trick.
Your book is thoughtfully done, and funny and very practical. Endlessly useful. And I am very eager to get the “Family Moments” guide, especially since you invite us to make copies. Thank you again for your forward thinking book.
All the best,
Karen Backlund – Hallock, MN
When Marilyn Richards and her niece came to my conference in South Carolina they handed me a letter which shared how Marilyn used to be an educator on Alzheimer’s but because of a serious auto accident, which caused brain damage, she literally lost herself. Inside the letter was Marilyn’s story which her niece helped her write. I would like to share her last few sentences. “I am aware of what the future holds. I have chosen to embrace a POSITIVE ATTITUDE by living in the “here and now.” I am trying to help others do the same. My name is Marilyn Richards and I am a “Dementia Survivor!”
Marilyn is also an inspiration to us all.
Jolene
A couple living together, wife had Alzheimer’s and the husband was very embarrassed about his wife’s behavior. He was always trying to correct her. The husband was then admitted to the hospital. Daughter-in-law took the wife to visit him and he was always telling her not to do this or that because it was not appropriate. One day the daughter-in-law brought her to visit and asked him to just watch. She took out a pair of white “magic” gloves. When the wife put on the gloves, she began to dance and approached a stranger in the hall. She said put up you dukes. The man played along and they pretended to box. The husband then SAW how it was ok for his wife to be just the way she was.
Jena Cook
My husband (Dads son-in-law) happens to have white hair as does Dad’s doctor. One particularly difficult evening Dad was refusing to go to bed. Mother told him his “doctor” had been there and said he needed to sleep tonight. My husband had been there earlier and he resembles the doctor. Dad agreed to follow the “doctor’s” orders.
Cindy Burke Litbwiler (Billy’s daughter)
Pleasing family or staff is usually not the same as pleasing the person with dementia. We need to stay focused on the needs and wants of the person with dementia. I am an advocate for the person…PERIOD.
Susan Kunda
Montana Ombudsman
Mother wouldn’t allow a hired caregiver in her home. She didn’t want to “pay” someone to sit and watch her all day. So we (hired) arranged for two friends of hers to “visit” one day a week and we 5 five children take one day a week. She loves these visits--- but sometimes complains that her “guests” stay too long : )
Sue & Betty
Charleston, South Carolina
Magic words to my mom. “It’s alright…It will all work out.”
Patty H.
Walterboro, South Carolina
Not forgotten
An idea from a friend of mine whose mom has Alzheimer’s. My friend is 57 and had curly hair. Her mom remembered her as being 24 years old so she dyed her hair and cut it into a “page boy” hairdo with bangs like she wore when she was 24 years old. Her mom once again recognized her as her daughter.
Kate
Cloutier Wisconsin
It’s time to move
My dear mom is Millie Smith. When she is questioning “home”. I tell her she is fortunate- as she has two homes! One here (nursing home) and one on West St. My mom always helped everyone- especially the less fortunate. So, we mention some “folks” who don’t even have one. We come away from the “short” conversation blessed for what we “have” instead of what we don’t have. Our motto…count your blessings…there are many!
Sharon Rogers
Wisconsin
A resident was very upset because her family had just had an auction of her belongings and was selling her house. I told her I knew what she was going through because I had to leave my house, my family, my friends and move to Iowa. She just hugged me and I her. I told her anytime she needed a hug, find me, I had plenty to give.
Judy Hill
When family caregiver says everything is OK, we are doing fine. Have them write down or tell you what is happening so you can write it down and then read it back to them. When the caregiver sees what is happening written down or they hear what is happening from someone else they may simple see for the first time the real need to allow someone else to give care.
Melissa Mays
South Carolina
Outings with less stress
Create business cards with the persons first name and to please be patient because they have Alzheimer’s. This is great to hand to waitresses at restaurants or in any public situation. Relieves any embarrassment for the person with dementia.
Enhanced Activities
We have a person in our dementia unit that walks constantly and never says anything. Several weeks ago a nurse was hired for the unit and she had cared for this resident at another facility. This nurse asked me one day if I knew that Joanne used to sing, “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.” Of course we did not know this. One day, I walked up to Joanne and started to sing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.” The immediate recognition on Joanne’s face was obvious. She started moving her lips as if trying to sing. How exciting it was for the staff to watch her. I have asked that staff sing that song to her and her son is going to record the song for the staff to play for her. –Sharon Mayo
Get out a map of where they grew up. Seeing the map will trigger memories about the places they have lived.
Caregiver in New Jersey
Send children on a treasure hunt around the neighborhood with a list of items for specific memory boxes, fishing, sewing etc. Let the people know they are being made for a local nursing home/ assisted living.
Annette in Iowa
I am a 22 year old caregiver in an Alzheimer’s unit in Burlington, Iowa, but I look A LOT younger. If my day at work gets a little hectic, I just put my hair up in pigtails and tell them all about my day in school. When I am asked “Can you take me home?” I just say, “Oh, my dad won’t let me drive after dark” or “I got grounded.” Sometimes they ask why but usually forget they want to leave. If they still want to go, I ask, “Can you help me with my homework?” This usually means my “purse” on workdays is a book bag, but it makes their world more real.
Katy in Iowa
Make bread pudding
-
Residents tear up bread in pieces. Use approximately 8-10 cups of bread.
-
8cups of milk- enough to soak bread really good
4-6 eggs blended
1 cup of white and brown sugar
1 tbsp. of vanilla
2 tsp. cinnamon
½ tsp. salt
-
Mix all together. Bake in 9 by 13 pans, 2 in. deep.
-
Bake at 350. 45-60 min. Stick knife in when it comes out clean it’s done.
-
Serve with whipped cream or caramel sauce on top for next meal. (I save left over bread in plastic bags and mark with the date.
We also make a lot of collages using a theme like gardens, fall, summer, winter, food etc. Simple and they love it.
Jennifer Mundt
A song a gentleman with dementia taught this male caregiver which created connection instantly with many men who served our country “You’re in the army now, Not behind a plow, You will never be rich by digging a ditch, You’re in the army now.”
Terry Roberts
New Hope, Minnesota
Target donated a Wii to a dementia community. Other residents and staff cheered and clapped as people with dementia took turns bowling.
Kelly
Morse, Montana
Enhanced Dining
After admitting my dad to long term care he didn’t want to go to the dining room for meals. He and Mother often ate out when he was still at home so Mother told him the room was a “Restaurant”. She also told him she had paid in advance- so now he has no problems at meal times now. He goes willingly to the “Restaurant” and knows it has been “paid for”. –Cindy Burke Litwiler (Billy’s daughter)
Where’s the Outhouse?
Staff are wondering how to handle a resident who is urinating all over the halls, in baskets etc?
How did he say I gotta use the bathroom. “I gotta take a piss” “I got see a man about a horse.” Where’s the two holer? In other words if you can figure out his terminology you can trigger him every two hours. More importantly men have had a lifetime of peeing wherever they want to. So you may just want to be glad when he hits a basket and have more baskets to hit. When he is peeing in a basket he still identifies with a hole (outhouse, urinal) so you may want to make the toilet water blue so he sees the hole. Or a black toilet seat may help him identify the hole. Girly posters in the bathroom give him a reason to go in there or a poster of his favorite car behind the toilet. If all that fails. A Jump suit so he cannot undo his pants independently. He’ll need someones help. Or maybe even suspenders if he has never wore them because then he wouldn’t be able to pull his pants down so quickly, giving staff more time to respond.
To get someone to brush their teeth, tell them you talked with their dentist and he said what a great job they are doing.
Hi—I saw you at the NAHCA convention in Kansas City last September and was just blown away by your message! Everyone in my group agreed that we could listen to you for hours.
I wanted to share with you an experience we had with one of our Alzheimer’s residents. As frequently the case, she was very resistant to getting a bath or shower, and would not even let us give her a bed or sink bath very often. This lady loved the finer things in life, and still talked grandly about “going to the Plaza (in New York City) for a party this weekend.” So one wise nursing assistant turned the tub room into a “spa.” She had been turned off by the tub room previously because it was decorated in a homey country décor—something she was much too sophisticated for. So, we found some lamps for subdued lighting, pulled the quilts and decorations off the walls and instead placed decorative urns full of flowers in the room (a few were repurposed/rearranged bouquets recently donated by a local funeral home after someone’s service, the rest –we just collected fake arrangements from around the building), filled the tub with aromatic bath salts and floated a few flowers in the water, and brought in a boombox to softly play “spa” music (someone’s CD they had bought from Wal-Mart). As the finishing touch staff made a sign to hang on the door that read, “Elite Salon and Spa—Members Only.”
She was baffled when we came in and told her that it was time for her appointment at the spa, but thank goodness her curiosity got the best of her and she wanted to take a look. We had a hard time getting her out of the tub, she loved it so much. Staff was careful to keep the atmosphere subdued and respectful, and to not chat too much, as real spa employees would act. Afterwards as part of the spa service she let us give her a backrub (good opportunity to check skin status all over her backside) and a “manni/pedi” (diabetic footcare). It did take a chunk of time to set it all up at first, but it was well worth it in the end because we learned how to quickly duplicate the “spa experience” for her when she needed a bath, and she never resisted again.
Thank you again for all your great ideas! You are very inspiring.
Teena Snyder, Fairhaven Community; Upper Sandusky, Ohio
